I'm trying to write an analysis of an article written on the Profumo Affair. I'm either techno-retarded or they don't exist. The few articles that DO exist, I can't access. I hate this. This is the second or third time that this has happened in this class. Class is stupid. University is stupid.
It is absolutely not fair that society forces young people to do secondary education if they want any kind of good paying job (or so society says). My boyfriend has worked for an tree company for three months, he makes roughly $15 an hour, gets full benefits including free monthly massages. My father dropped out of college and though he works a somewhat laborous and dull day job, he makes good money, he has benefits, and still gets to play gigs all the time.
My mother went to university. She has a degree. She works as an underpaid music teacher with less hours then she needs. She makes the same about of money I make working full time for 10.30 and hour at my day job.
Why do I see sexism in this?
Why do I have to go to university? What am I proving. Look everybody I just scraped by in university cause I really didn't want to be there...
None of the work is stimulating. None of it feels good. I do not feel as though I am learning anything. Except how to fail.
I'm fucking done.
I can't do another 4 years of this crap.
Even if I was perfect and actually did my homework the day it was given to me, and edited my work and handed it in on time...I still wouldn't care. I don't see the point any more.
Spend money so I can get a job to make money.
Why is life all about money?
It's not to me. To me life is about love and talking and good times. Not fucking school, work and money.
And sleep. I can't sleep enough.
Especially while going to school.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Part III
I was given 2 signs of what was to come: the first, I find myself in the kitchen and he's staring at me with those blue blue eyes. I smile, he stumbles closer. "I haven't seen you in so long.." he says, opening his arms to me. I laugh a little and step into his embrace. "I know" I say.
This hug lasts forever. Uncomfortably forever. People are talking to me and I have to swivel my head around while a highly intoxicated boy nestles his head into my shoulder. But it was what I wanted. I wanted him to notice that I wasn't around anymore. I wanted him to care.
After that he kind of disappeared and I found myself looking for him-back into my old habits-which frustrated me. No no no! I told myself, you are over him! But, I wasn't.
Sign number two happened outside on the deck. We sat around the fire, me next to him, and I asked him how his hand was-for he had been stung by a wasp earlier that had been hiding in the firewood. He claimed it was fine and offered me his hand, palm up to check on the sting.I could see a thing, but he left his hand in mine and became seriously distracted by another conversation. In my attempts to return his hand to his own lap it flipped over and his fingers wrapped around mine.
holy shit. holy shit he is holding my hand. what do I do? continue to hold his? is he even aware of my hand? Oh I gotta get outta here!
I dropped his hand, stood up and made break for the kitchen. I don't recall what happened next except that I decided Aaron was going to drive me home so I could stay later. Aaron had been drinking but he promised to sober up. Sam started puking and went to bed. Somebody, blue-eyes?, had suggested I stay the night and it seemed fine to me. Donny gave me some pj pants and promised to drive me home in the AM if I needed to work. Seemed like a fine plan to me. So we gathered in living room. Blue eyes looked passed out on the air mattress with Travis beside him so I squished in between them because Mitch had the couch and Aaron, the loveseat. Because I thought he was asleep, I rolled over with my back to blue-eyes, in order to hold conversation with the rest of the room...and he curled up right next to me. His arms wrapped around me (we were hiding under a blanket Donny had tossed on us) and his hands interlocked with mine.There wasn't much I could do. The thing I had been trying to escape was making my escape very difficult.
I'll tell you the rest in person Anne :) xo
This hug lasts forever. Uncomfortably forever. People are talking to me and I have to swivel my head around while a highly intoxicated boy nestles his head into my shoulder. But it was what I wanted. I wanted him to notice that I wasn't around anymore. I wanted him to care.
After that he kind of disappeared and I found myself looking for him-back into my old habits-which frustrated me. No no no! I told myself, you are over him! But, I wasn't.
Sign number two happened outside on the deck. We sat around the fire, me next to him, and I asked him how his hand was-for he had been stung by a wasp earlier that had been hiding in the firewood. He claimed it was fine and offered me his hand, palm up to check on the sting.I could see a thing, but he left his hand in mine and became seriously distracted by another conversation. In my attempts to return his hand to his own lap it flipped over and his fingers wrapped around mine.
holy shit. holy shit he is holding my hand. what do I do? continue to hold his? is he even aware of my hand? Oh I gotta get outta here!
I dropped his hand, stood up and made break for the kitchen. I don't recall what happened next except that I decided Aaron was going to drive me home so I could stay later. Aaron had been drinking but he promised to sober up. Sam started puking and went to bed. Somebody, blue-eyes?, had suggested I stay the night and it seemed fine to me. Donny gave me some pj pants and promised to drive me home in the AM if I needed to work. Seemed like a fine plan to me. So we gathered in living room. Blue eyes looked passed out on the air mattress with Travis beside him so I squished in between them because Mitch had the couch and Aaron, the loveseat. Because I thought he was asleep, I rolled over with my back to blue-eyes, in order to hold conversation with the rest of the room...and he curled up right next to me. His arms wrapped around me (we were hiding under a blanket Donny had tossed on us) and his hands interlocked with mine.There wasn't much I could do. The thing I had been trying to escape was making my escape very difficult.
I'll tell you the rest in person Anne :) xo
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