Part III

I was given 2 signs of what was to come: the first, I find myself in the kitchen and he's staring at me with those blue blue eyes. I smile, he stumbles closer. "I haven't seen you in so long.." he says, opening his arms to me. I laugh a little and step into his embrace. "I know" I say.

This hug lasts forever. Uncomfortably forever. People are talking to me and I have to swivel my head around while a highly intoxicated boy nestles his head into my shoulder. But it was what I wanted. I wanted him to notice that I wasn't around anymore. I wanted him to care.

After that he kind of disappeared and I found myself looking for him-back into my old habits-which frustrated me. No no no!  I told myself, you are over him! But, I wasn't.

Sign number two happened outside on the deck. We sat around the fire, me next to him, and I asked him how his hand was-for he had been stung by a wasp earlier that had been hiding in the firewood. He claimed it was fine and offered me his hand, palm up to check on the sting.I could see a thing, but he left his hand in mine and became seriously distracted by another conversation. In my attempts to return his hand to his own lap it flipped over and his fingers wrapped around mine.

holy shit. holy shit he is holding my hand. what do I do? continue to hold his? is he even aware of my hand? Oh I gotta get outta here!

I dropped his hand, stood up and made break for the kitchen. I don't recall what happened next except that I decided Aaron was going to drive me home so I could stay later. Aaron had been drinking but he promised to sober up. Sam started puking and went to bed. Somebody, blue-eyes?, had suggested I stay the night and it seemed fine to me. Donny gave me some pj pants and promised to drive me home in the AM if I needed to work. Seemed like a fine plan to me. So we gathered in living room. Blue eyes looked passed out on the air mattress with Travis beside him so I squished in between them because Mitch had the couch and Aaron, the loveseat. Because I thought he was asleep, I rolled over with my back to blue-eyes, in order to hold conversation with the rest of the room...and he curled up right next to me. His arms wrapped around me (we were hiding under a blanket Donny had tossed on us) and his hands interlocked with mine.There wasn't much I could do. The thing I had been trying to escape was making my escape very difficult.

I'll tell you the rest in person Anne :) xo