Bus Poem

I am the common denominator
In this equation
It is a title that I
Freely give out.

I am the common denominator
And yet I find myself searching
For someone to blame
I find myself here too often
And yet I cannot find a way
To blame me

Maybe I see
That it is me
That it is my fault
But I do not see
How

So I am the common denominator
And the question is not who, but how.

Music to my Ears

There is a song for every moment and every emotion. There is something very comforting about slipping ear buds into your ears and pressing play. Sometimes you have to hit the next button a few, or a few hundred, times but it is always worth it. Be it the words or the music, there is always a melody that you can relax into. It is the audio version of your favourite arm chair, the one that's big enough for you to tuck your feet under your bum and rest your head on the back cushion. Maybe it is not just a song, but an entire album, band or play-list. At times, your whole body settles into the music. Either your head starts to loose control and bob along to the beat, or you leg muscles twitch along and if they don't you can feel it inside your head, bouncing off the walls and rearranging thoughts.

It is not the same as playing music. Playing music requires focus and concentration. You cannot sit back, you must sit up and pay attention to where your fingers are going. Unless that is, you have become so comfortable with you instrument that you can sit back and just listen as your body creates music all by itself.

My comfortable music?
Mother Mother
John Mayer
Mumford and Sons

Brain Dead

Absolutely brain dead. I couldn't think of a topic for my writing assignment, so I thought I'd blog; get my post in for the week. And what happens? Nothing. The annoying little cursor blinks at me in the title box, teasing me. So, of course, I go on google. First I google images of how I'm feeling, and that goes no where. Then I thought I'd look up "thought provoking questions" to provoke thoughts. Guess how well that worked out? Most of them asked things like: "can you be corned in a circlular room?" or "if pizza is round, why does it go in a square box?"

 That. Is. Not. Thought. Provoking. My. Thoughts. Have. Not. Been. Provoked.

Yes, you can be cornered in a circular room. To be "cornered" is to be surrounded. So you could be cornered anywhere in anyroom. You could even be corned in middle. Sort of.

And pizza is in a square box because it is in a square box. Because boxes are sqaure.

Like 20 questions, but not.

THE BEGINNING:
200. My middle name: Alexandra, Benbow
199. I was born on: June the 20th, 1993
198. I am really: uncomfortable with my life atm moment
196. My eye colour is: greenish, blueish, sometimes greyish.
195. My shoe size is: too big for my liking.
194. My ring size is: depends who's asking.
193. My height is: 5'7?
192. I am allergic to: penicillian
191. I was born in: Victoria :)
190. I live in: Sidney
189. The last book I read: Escape to Beulah, by Anne Cameron
188. My bed is: warm and cozy, and my favourite place...except when the bottom sheet slips off on one corner.
187: One thing you hate about yourself: some of my views, the stupid negative ones.
186: Is beauty reality or perception? perception
185: What scent do you wear?: generally, a vanilla body spray.
184: Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: Sleep with? No. Theres a build a bear my friend got me on my bed and a large bear that's more of a pillow.
179. My favorite Holiday is: thanksgiving, but only for the pumpkin pie :)
178. The perfect kiss is: with someone you love
177. The last three cd's I bought are: erm...
176. Last song that made me cry was: Sigh No More, by Mumford and sons.
175. Are you single or taken?: single
174. If you're taken, by who?: x
173. Do you like being single?: At first I did, now..not so much. It's kind of an empty lonely feeling that I hate. Now I've had a taste of companionship-the kind you can't get from a friend-I want more.
170. What did you do last night?: watched stupid tv by myself and then slept :P
171. What's one thing that really bugs you?: ignorance, though I'm guilty of it.
RANDOM:
169. First off, you like boys right? yes
168. Ever kissed a Mike, Kevin, or Nick? no
167. Do you tend to fall for players? no
166. Will you have a boyfriend in 2 months? here's hoping
175. Have you ever had a best friend? Yeah. But I get attached. And then hurt. I should be my own best friend
164. Last person you talked on the phone with? Sammy? Or my dad?
163. Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you i woke up? no
162. Where was your default picture taken? on the blog? my moms house...back when I liked my laptop and it was willing to work for me
161. Name something you dislike about the day you're having? getting picked on. even though it was by people I love and love me and it was just jokes...I really can't take it.
160. Is there anybody you're disappointed in right now? no. if anyone, myself? but not really
159. If you are being extremely quiet what does that mean? haha, me quiet? it prolly means I'm way over tired or way overthinking something
158. Are you happy? generally...not bursting atm but it is 1:23 AM
157. Do you think your life story would make a great movie? eh, no
TRUE/FALSE
156. I am a cuddler— true
155. I am a morning person— False
154. I am a perfectionist— 50/50
153. I am an only child-- true
152. I am Catholic-- False
151. I am currently in my pajamas— true
150. I enjoy country music— theres the odd song
149. I am okay at styling other people’s hair-- not really
148. I am left handed-- False
147. I like someone— interests...maybe? but I'm not really over the last guy-as much as that frustrates me
146. I am very shy around the opposite gender-- yeah I guess so, it depends on who ...
145. I can be paranoid at times— True
144. I currently regret something that I have said— False
143. When I get mad I curse frequently— hahaha yes.
YES OR NO / I BELIEVE IN:
142. Love at first sight?: want to believe in? but I'd never trust it :P
141. Luck?: yes and no
140. Fate?: If it's mean't to be, it's mean't to be.
139. Yourself?: sometimes yes, sometimes no
137. Heaven? I believe there's something.
135.Ghosts?: spirits... yes.
134. Horoscopes?: sometimes. But mostly we read into them too much.
133. Soulmates?: Yes...no...yess...maybe?
WHICH IS BETTER?
129. Hugs or Kisses?: hugs. always hugs.
128. Drunk or High?: drunk
127. Phone or Online?: person.
126. Red heads or Black hair?: black
125. Blondes or Brunettes?: blondes!
124. Hot or cold?: balance
123. Summer or winter?: i used to prefer summer...now i'm thinking winter. but snowy winter. not this stupid rain all the time
121. Chocolate or vanilla?: Vanilla
120. Night or Day?: night
119. Oranges or Apples? apples.
118. Curly or Straight hair?: Straight
WHAT I THINK ABOUT:
116. Abortion?: to each their own.
115. Backstabbers?: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice: shame on me
114. Parents?: I have good ones
LAST TIME I:
103. Went out of town?: tooooo long ago
102. Had food?: hmm...during the movie around 9...maybe?
101. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while?: still haven;t seen them?
100. Cried in front of someone?: other then my dad...prolly about 5 months ago
MISCELLANEOUS:
90. Who is the most ditsy person you know: everyone has there moments...I'm pretty bad :P
89. Who makes you laugh the most: Dan from badminton
87. The last movie I watched: Nightmare on elm street.
82. What I don't understand is: why i'm still awake
80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received is: no response. I hate it when people just don't respond.
75. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: the possibility of going to europe this summer...though it doesn't look good
74. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is: this week.
73. Tomorrow: im..: getting up early and doing stuff I meant to do earlier in the weekend then hanging out with Leona and then going to my moms
72. Today: Productive. Should've been fun, but I was somewhere else
71. Next Summer: has yet to be planned
70. Next Week: full of things to do
67. People call me: stupid. a lot. I'm thinking about dying my hair.
66. Do you have any regrets?: yeah. none I can think of now of course
65. What are you afraid of?: failing
64. Who do you miss: Tronje.
63. Are you happy?: yes?
62. The person who knows the most about me is: I don't even know yet :P
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: I don't even have my N ...ahaha
56. My zodiac sign is: Gemini
55. The first person I talked to today was: My dad
54. First time you had a crush: I didn't realize it was a crush
53. The one person I can't hide things from: prolly my dad...or sammy
52. Last time someone said something that you were thinking?: who remembers these things
51. Right now I am talking to: the computer
50. What is your dream job?: teacher.
49. First job?: butchart gardens: fire prevention! sounds important doesn't it :P
48. I have/will get a job at? I'm hoping to get one soon
47. I have this pet: three cats
46. I hope: i can get everything done and not disappoint
45. The worst sound in the world: stupid people going on and on and on
44. The person(s) that makes me cry the most is: prolly my dad...or myself
35. Florida or Hawaii: hawaii
33. My favorite piece of clothing is: my big old man sweater
32. My favorite sport is: badminton :)
31. Last time I cried: Halloween?
30. My friends are: good friends.but my expectations are too high
29. My computer is: really annoying
28. The school I go to is: Parkland Secondary
27. Last person I got mad at: Me padre
22. The all-time best movie is: there are lots of good ones ;P
21. The all-time best thing in the world is: love
18. The most annoying person you know is: my moms boyfriend
17. I lose all respect for people who: have no respect for themselves.
16. The movies I have cried at are: any movie that has someone crying in it. just the sight gets my weeping
13. Favorite web site: i hate technology
12. I want to be: content
11. The worst pain I was ever in was/is?: was more of a numb emptiness when Tronje left
10. My favorite word is: fuck
9. My room is: really really really messy. one of my things "to do"
8. My favorite celebrity: who cares. they're just people with too much money.
5. My weakness is: i over think and over think and over think. oh and sweets. I have a killer sweet tooth
4. What I like about the opposite sex: they are so so so easy to get along with. everythings simpler and nice and you feel liked and welcome
3. Who broke your heart: it broke by itself-twas no ones fault
2. One thing that makes you feel great: power
1. You filled out 200 questions because: it's 1:42 am and I can't sleep :)

Subtext.

Jack is the father of a teenage son, Robert.

Jack: Hello?!
Robert: Oh, hey.
Jack: I'm home!
Robert: No shit?
Jack: How was your-
Robert(interupting): Don't ask.
Jack(exasperated): Up to you!

Robert trips on the cat.
Robert: What the fuck?!
Jack(sharply): Calm down.
Robert: Calm down?!
Jack: I'll just go...
Robert: Leaving again, eh?!
Jack(angry): What?!
Robert(ashamed): nothing.
Jack: You're damn right.

Jack leaves.

Later, Robert walks in room where Jack is.
Robert: Hey...
Jack looks up.
Robert: Your day okay?
Jack: Coulda been better.
Robert: What happened?
Jack: Nothing special.
Robert: So, what's wrong?
Jack: Nothing happened.
Robert: Ooh, Julia...?
Jack: ...didn't show.
Robert: Shit, I'm...
Jack: Don't be.
Robert looks down.
Jack: and your day?
Robert: good.
Jack: Then why...?
Robert: I was pissed.
Jack: at?
Robert: you!
Jack: Oh...uh..
Robert: you forgot.
PAUSE
Jack: I didn't forget.
Robert: You didn't say...
Jack I didn't want...
Robert: What?!
Jack: ...upset you.
Robert(sarcastically): Goood job.
Jack: I`m sorry.
Robert: Sure.
BEAT
Jack: I`d never forget.
Robert: What about Julia?
Jack: What about her?
Robert: Nevermind.
Jack: Your mom is...
Robert: ...was...
Jack: very special to me...
Robert: Yeah, me too.
LONG BEAT
Jack: I`m sorry.
Robert: Me too.

There are good nights, and there are not so good nights.

It's an empty feeling. A feeling of being hollow, in your arms and legs, in your head and in your heart.

It's a strange feeling, one that pushes fake laughs out your mouth, that come from no where and don't sound like you.

It's a sickening feeling. You do anything to be liked, to fill yourself up again but it does not last. Stop trying, stop pretending, start living, and it creeps back.

It's a hidden feeling. No one ever sees the emptiness, because then they would see you as just a face, just a fake. You no longer count. No longer can be liked or loved, the only things that will grow when there is nothing else.

It's scary to realize that you cannot control it. Frightening to think that it depends on, feeds on, others; that you are not independant, that you won't be independant. You can't be.

Unless you want to be Empty. Hollow. Fake. Sad.

But hey, this is a rare occurance, only a small part of what makes me, me.

What is the point of a built-in-bra?

Other then to confuse men when they do the laundry, that is. It's a waste of fabric. It's a waste of time! You always end up having to wear a bra underneath. Now, throw a little padding and some underwire in and your good to go, but have you ever come across not a built-in-bra with padding and underwire? Haha, not for less then 50 bucks. The built-in-bra is a tease, it says: "look at me, I'm two in one! I will save you time, and discomfort and lots of hassle!" but really it does the opposite. So out come the scissors and snip, snip, snip the built-in-bra is gone! And now, you have an annoying think piece of fabric at the top of your tank top that refuses to stop curling over the edge. So I vote we just stop putting them in, in the first place.
Who's with me?

Sh*t My Dad Says

#3: "If you want to have a conversation with god, meditate. Be alone and be okay with being alone. If you want to talk to the cackling devil, go find a room full of teen girls."