I am officially advising that one should not drink tea after 8 o'clock at night; it's got more caffeine in it then coffee and so far it's working. I wanted to sleep, ah well.
Today was kind of crappy. Well, I'm in a crappy mood. My morning was fine, I got that ride to school I didn't think I would and thanks to coffee, I may have a caffeine addiction, I had a good first couple of blocks. I'm blaming the coffee crash for the next couple blocks. They dragged on and on and I just wanted to go home and sleep.
So now you understand my state of mind when this boy, whom I liked and was sure liked me not that long ago (twas kind of a big deal, I really liked him) but has since stopped showing and signs and me being me, I have not pursued him, starts acting friendly, a little flirty and I catch him starting at my chest. All I could think was, "Excuse me, no looking at the merchandise if your not willing to buy." Insert head wobble and snap.
Then I go for coffee with my friend who asks me about him in her catch up talk. And I talk way too much about him, seeing as I'm "over him." HAHA AS IF! Apparently, I'm good at fooling myself. Insert head shake. While I'm talking too much, she tells me "you need to get over yourself" I'm a little hurt, until she explains thats "not what she means". She means that I need to not worry about what people think, what people will think of my actions, if I'm good enough and just go for what I want....said boy.
She's right. She's so right.
Then I talked to Anne on the phone :) And of course, we talked about this boy again. My brain is just going "TOO MUCH TOO MUCH" and here I sit, in bed, unable to sleep and thinking about him. I feel stupid, because I'm over him and then when someone brings him up I natter on for ages.
So I'm not over him, I guess.
But looking back is the worst part, which is why I can't sleep. Looking back, I don't see bad, I see him and I sitting together in class, walking home together, messaging, flirting, hanging out alone. Even though neither of us had the balls to say it, we liked each other. Looking back I see my friends, Ainslie, Mitch, Leona, Anne, Tatum...all wise people...telling me "he likes you." "go for it" "you have a chance"
Mostly I hear Mitch. He was hopelessly smitten with my friend and I sat there saying, sorry, sorry, sorry, she doesn't like you. And he turned to me once, when I was complaining about the earlier mentioned boy and said "at least you have a chance." Wow. Ouch, I mean he had at least expressed how he felt to her, even though he knew she wasn't that into him and I was just sitting on my hands? I then decided to go for it. Unfortunately I didn't see him for two weeks, and when he got back it was like somebody had cut the life line between us. More excuses I suppose.
Really it's my problem. I care way way way too much what people think and I don't trust that people will love me. That I'm good enough. Leona said it today, "most girls don't think they are good enough to be loved" and I think that was my problem. I just couldn't believe that he'd like me, and I didn't want to be rejected so I didn't pursue him. Writing that, I feel like an idiot. How could I think so lowly of myself. Half of me wants to ask him out tomorrow, but I know I won't.
What a major rant. I sound like a silly school girl!
This sounds dark and depressing, and sure I'm not in the greatest mood but I'm okay. I'm making discoveries, about me. That's been happening a lot this year. I've found out the kind of people I like to be around, the one's I can't stand. Believe it or not, I've made some progress in this confidence and trust issue thing and I've stood up for myself too. Now I just wish the caffeine would wear off, I'm tired but my eyes won't shut and I have band tomorrow. Sorry for the blah blah blahs.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
And Also, on the weird side...
I dreamt that Lindsay Lohan was singing the national anthem to the president, George Bush I think. We were on a navy boat too. The president was standing above us on a podium. Lindsay was facing him with a microphone. We were sitting below them (a group of girls) in fancy dresses. Really fancy dresses. The presdient was not very impressed. Lindsay could barely hold the tune.
Last Night
Can't really remember my dream last night. But I was in a castle. Climbing stairs, around and around and around. I think I was with Kirsten, my step-sister, or some one I had to take care of. And some one else; a friend, maybe Leona. I kept telling them: "It's okay, it's close! I've been here before" But the stairs just kept going and going. Although I thought I was at Craigdaroch Castle (a castle in Victoria that I've been too many times) these stairs were totally unfamiliar. They were narrow and stone and completley white, as if they'd just been painted. There was also the odd window as we went up.
At one point the stairs changed. Into those classic spiraling staircases, the ones with wooden railings and you can look down the middle at the bottom. Some one told me we had to tell some one at the bottom something and there was no way I was going back down. I leant across the railing and yelled downward. I think it was my Grandma at the bottom. Then we kept climbing. We never reached the top.
At one point the stairs changed. Into those classic spiraling staircases, the ones with wooden railings and you can look down the middle at the bottom. Some one told me we had to tell some one at the bottom something and there was no way I was going back down. I leant across the railing and yelled downward. I think it was my Grandma at the bottom. Then we kept climbing. We never reached the top.
Restless
The other night I dreamt that Greg was really mad at me. I was in my room but the whole household (plus) was running around trying to figure out what to do, about Greg being mad at me. In fact it felt like everyone was mad at me for Greg.
Eventually I wandered out of my room and ran into Greg. I asked him what I did. I was crying. The dream was very long and I was sobbing throughout it. It hurt a lot. He said: "Ew Tole My Air." I couldn't understand him. He had a lisp. I made him repeat it. He said it again. But I still couldn't figure out what he was saying. I asked him to say it again, and he yelled it. He was getting red in the face and really angry because I couldn't understand him. Eventually I got it. He was saying: "You stole my chair."
He ran away. I couldn't remember taking his chair, and thought it was a big cafufel over nothing. I tried to find dad to explain that it was just a stupid chair, but everyone was gone.
Eventually I wandered out of my room and ran into Greg. I asked him what I did. I was crying. The dream was very long and I was sobbing throughout it. It hurt a lot. He said: "Ew Tole My Air." I couldn't understand him. He had a lisp. I made him repeat it. He said it again. But I still couldn't figure out what he was saying. I asked him to say it again, and he yelled it. He was getting red in the face and really angry because I couldn't understand him. Eventually I got it. He was saying: "You stole my chair."
He ran away. I couldn't remember taking his chair, and thought it was a big cafufel over nothing. I tried to find dad to explain that it was just a stupid chair, but everyone was gone.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Dreaming Again
Last night I dreamt I got married. Or that I was getting married. I don't remember the whole thing though, just bits and pieces-lots of visuals.
It was rushed, all of a sudden, and I didn't know why at first. I dug and dug and dug through my mothers closet (she was living at my house again, apparently), coming up with a long white skirt which was "just going to have to do." I put it on but I couldn't find a white shirt. So I wandered around in a long white skirt and my bra with my hair pinned to my head. There were a lot of people in my house, and the building itself felt bigger, my mother, however, was not there (although you could sense she was living in the house...the furniture and things). My mothers friend, my "Auntie" Fae, was there though-I have a clear image of her face and her wild mane of curly hair in obstructing my vision. I also remember trying very hard to do her hair...although it proved impossible. Eventually I found a lacey white shirt, I can still see it clearly on the hanger but I don't remember ever putting it on or seeing it on myself-after that I was wearing a shirt though.
Suddenly I remember I have a driving lesson booked, probably for today. I panick because if you cancel you get charged extra. I wait by the window for that turcoise care to back in. Everyone is gone the house is empty and small. Eventually he pulls in and I have to rush out and tell him that I cannot have the lesson today as I'm getting married. He says it's alright and that he will try to get the fees wavered but that he can't promise anything. My dad isn't very happy about having to pay. Part of the ceremony is happening now. In my living room. But soldiers interupt. My fiance is being called off to war. This is why the wedding was rushed, how could I not have seen that before. I have a vision and know my fiance will die before I ever see him again. I sob uncontrollably. (I don't recognize the man, and I cannot remember his face). A motherly woman, who is not my mother (possibly his) tries to get my to calm down because we must finish the ceremony before my to be husbands impending departure. She says I must for my son. All of a sudden I am aware that I have a child, all the memories suddenly pop into my head. If you had asked me seconds before in the dreams I would not have known. I cannot decifer if the child is a boy or girl, although the woman called it my son.
I am on the pier with my fiance. I look normal, but I think I am pregnant. I am explaining to him that I don't believe we have to get married just because I am pregnant. He will not take no as an answer so I leave him.
I am back in the living room. I feel as though I have been drugged just to go through with the ceremony. My husband is gone. I am sobbing again. Then my friend is there, in a tux (I won't say his name) but his image is slightly transparent...as though he is not actually there. He can't hear me. No one else appears to be able to see him. I am informed that he and I will be getting married.
I am in a car, with the motherly woman again. She acts like my mother but she looks nothing like her. My long white skirt is now black. I can't remember it changing but I am aware it has been black for a while. I ask where we are, and where we are going. I panick a little, aren't I supposed to be getting married today? I ask. No, she says. That's going to be next week. I see my friend in the tux again. Then I wake up.
Last week I dreamt I had a baby. All very eerie.
It was rushed, all of a sudden, and I didn't know why at first. I dug and dug and dug through my mothers closet (she was living at my house again, apparently), coming up with a long white skirt which was "just going to have to do." I put it on but I couldn't find a white shirt. So I wandered around in a long white skirt and my bra with my hair pinned to my head. There were a lot of people in my house, and the building itself felt bigger, my mother, however, was not there (although you could sense she was living in the house...the furniture and things). My mothers friend, my "Auntie" Fae, was there though-I have a clear image of her face and her wild mane of curly hair in obstructing my vision. I also remember trying very hard to do her hair...although it proved impossible. Eventually I found a lacey white shirt, I can still see it clearly on the hanger but I don't remember ever putting it on or seeing it on myself-after that I was wearing a shirt though.
Suddenly I remember I have a driving lesson booked, probably for today. I panick because if you cancel you get charged extra. I wait by the window for that turcoise care to back in. Everyone is gone the house is empty and small. Eventually he pulls in and I have to rush out and tell him that I cannot have the lesson today as I'm getting married. He says it's alright and that he will try to get the fees wavered but that he can't promise anything. My dad isn't very happy about having to pay. Part of the ceremony is happening now. In my living room. But soldiers interupt. My fiance is being called off to war. This is why the wedding was rushed, how could I not have seen that before. I have a vision and know my fiance will die before I ever see him again. I sob uncontrollably. (I don't recognize the man, and I cannot remember his face). A motherly woman, who is not my mother (possibly his) tries to get my to calm down because we must finish the ceremony before my to be husbands impending departure. She says I must for my son. All of a sudden I am aware that I have a child, all the memories suddenly pop into my head. If you had asked me seconds before in the dreams I would not have known. I cannot decifer if the child is a boy or girl, although the woman called it my son.
I am on the pier with my fiance. I look normal, but I think I am pregnant. I am explaining to him that I don't believe we have to get married just because I am pregnant. He will not take no as an answer so I leave him.
I am back in the living room. I feel as though I have been drugged just to go through with the ceremony. My husband is gone. I am sobbing again. Then my friend is there, in a tux (I won't say his name) but his image is slightly transparent...as though he is not actually there. He can't hear me. No one else appears to be able to see him. I am informed that he and I will be getting married.
I am in a car, with the motherly woman again. She acts like my mother but she looks nothing like her. My long white skirt is now black. I can't remember it changing but I am aware it has been black for a while. I ask where we are, and where we are going. I panick a little, aren't I supposed to be getting married today? I ask. No, she says. That's going to be next week. I see my friend in the tux again. Then I wake up.
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