Stream of Conscience

I am officially advising that one should not drink tea after 8 o'clock at night; it's got more caffeine in it then coffee and so far it's working. I wanted to sleep, ah well.

Today was kind of crappy. Well, I'm in a crappy mood. My morning was fine, I got that ride to school I didn't think I would and thanks to coffee, I may have a caffeine addiction, I had a good first couple of blocks. I'm blaming the coffee crash for the next couple blocks. They dragged on and on and I just wanted to go home and sleep.

So now you understand my state of mind when this boy, whom I liked and was sure liked me not that long ago (twas kind of a big deal, I really liked him) but has since stopped showing and signs and me being me, I have not pursued him, starts acting friendly, a little flirty and I catch him starting at my chest. All I could think was, "Excuse me, no looking at the merchandise if your not willing to buy." Insert head wobble and snap.

Then I go for coffee with my friend who asks me about him in her catch up talk. And I talk way too much about him, seeing as I'm "over him." HAHA AS IF! Apparently, I'm good at fooling myself. Insert head shake. While I'm talking too much, she tells me "you need to get over yourself" I'm a little hurt, until she explains thats "not what she means". She means that I need to not worry about what people think, what people will think of my actions, if I'm good enough and just go for what I want....said boy.

She's right. She's so right.

Then I talked to Anne on the phone :) And of course, we talked about this boy again. My brain is just going "TOO MUCH TOO MUCH" and here I sit, in bed, unable to sleep and thinking about him. I feel stupid, because I'm over him and then when someone brings him up I natter on for ages.

So I'm not over him, I guess.

But looking back is the worst part, which is why I can't sleep. Looking back, I don't see bad, I see him and I sitting together in class, walking home together, messaging, flirting, hanging out alone. Even though neither of us had the balls to say it,  we liked each other. Looking back I see my friends, Ainslie, Mitch, Leona, Anne, Tatum...all wise people...telling me "he likes you." "go for it" "you have a chance"

Mostly I hear Mitch. He was hopelessly smitten with my friend and I sat there saying, sorry, sorry, sorry, she doesn't like you. And he turned to me once, when I was complaining about the earlier mentioned boy and said "at least you have a chance." Wow. Ouch, I mean he had at least expressed how he felt to her, even though he knew she wasn't that into him and I was just sitting on my hands? I then decided to go for it. Unfortunately I didn't see him for two weeks, and when he got back it was like somebody had cut the life line between us. More excuses I suppose.

Really it's my problem. I care way way way too much what people think and I don't trust that people will love me. That I'm good enough. Leona said it today, "most girls don't think they are good enough to be loved" and I think that was my problem. I just couldn't believe that he'd like me, and I didn't want to be rejected so I didn't pursue him. Writing that, I feel like an idiot. How could I think so lowly of myself. Half of me wants to ask him out tomorrow, but I know I won't.

What a major rant. I sound like a silly school girl!
This sounds dark and depressing, and sure I'm not in the greatest mood but I'm okay. I'm making discoveries, about me. That's been happening a lot this year. I've found out the kind of people I like to be around, the one's I can't stand. Believe it or not, I've made some progress in this confidence and trust issue thing and I've stood up for myself too. Now I just wish the caffeine would wear off, I'm tired but my eyes won't shut and I have band tomorrow. Sorry for the blah blah blahs.