Uncomfortable Company

I asked you to walk home with me because I miss our friendship, not because "I didn't feel like walking alone". But that's what I told you. I don't want to tell you the truth. The truth is I just can't stop loving you, it doesn't matter what I do or what you do. I just can't stop it. So I'm accepting it and trying to at least get back what we had.

But you're so different. I don't know what happened. Where did my positive, funny, comfortable friend go? I'm not sure but he has been replaced. And I don't like the replacement. He's negative and so awkward around me. What did I do? Again, what changed? And where was I?

So, here I am; in love with the old you and stuck with the new. It's a terrible dilemma. Because the harder I look for the old you, the farther away you go.

What did I do to deserve losing you?

We walked quite a ways sharing our usual quick and continuous conversations. We both get distracted easily and neither of us ever really finish a thought. But we like it, well I like it, and it works. That's the funny thing. I could never talk to the old you. The old you would look at me longingly, hug me, walk with me but never really talk to me. I wished you would. Now I'd give it up just for a minute with the old you. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me...

Then I asked why you were so stressed, in such a bad mood. I wanted to ask more. Ask why you didn't love me anymore, ask if you ever did. Ask why you were never happy. Tell you I care, that I want you to be happy; that you deserve to be happy. I wanted to tell you it was going to be okay, and that I would help you through. I would save you. But I didn't I just asked why you were having a bad day, because it was safe. "That damn French essay." You said. I tried not to laugh. "I know," you said. "You've got three essays, it's nothing in comparison...but I just hate the pressure." I nodded and pretended to be thinking. But really I was looking at your profile. You look so sad, it must be more then that. It must be. That conversation flowed into one about scholarships and then into what you were going to do in September. You're leaving. I won't let it affect me yet, I thought. Then you started talking about the summer. You're not going to be here then either.
We stopped walking. This is where you turn off.

"So, basically...I won't see you after we grad..."
You stumble on that. I can't tell if it's just the awkwardness of what I've said or because you realized it too and it means something to you.
You laugh awkwardly, "...I wouldn't say that..."
Now it's my turn to laugh awkwardly.

I say goodbye and go to turn away. You hover and I think you want to say something more. But you don't.

I keep walking and I want to turn away but I don't, not until it is too late for you to turn around too and see me. I just see your feet going around the corner and I sigh.

What will become of us...what has become of us?

Waaaaaaah.

I am sick.
So sick.
And all I want to do, other then be better, is whine and bitch about it.
I hate being that whiny person but OH. MY. GOD.

I just tried to crawl into bed and get a good nights sleep, and the moment my head hit the pillow I started hacking up both of my lungs. I coughed so hard that I gagged, and I gagged so hard that I think I tore something in the back of my throat. It now hurts to swallow. Hurrah! ...not.

I spent all of Tuesday sweating and then being freezing cold with a head splitting head ache. I had to perform under these circumstances tonight-joyous...I was really looking forward to this show. I will prolly miss school tomorrow which will make for 3 days this week...IT IS SO CLOSE TO GRAD. I CANNOT AFFORD TO MISS SCHOOL. But I also can't really go to school cause I'll probably faint or dye or something.

All I want to do is sleep.
Or cry. Anything that'll get rid of this awful sickness.
I am also really mad at life for doing this.
I could scream!!! Y'know...if it didn't hurt.

Not to mention when I'm not up all night coughing, I am freezing cold. I mean like shivers and teeth chattering cold. I don't get it. All day I sweat from being too warm and then I crawl under 3plus blankets and I start shivering. Damn you sickness.

I really hate being sick.
It's one o'clock in the fucking morning and I have some awful flu and I can't sleep because everytime I lie down I start coughing and it hurts so much.

Wah. I am thoroughly displeased.
Sorry for ranting.

It's funny how quickly one's outlook changes.

Things have changed so much.
I don't like them anymore.
I can't be me in these terms.

I feel blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I just don't know.

I don't know anything.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why I can't stop thinking about you;
or you.
I don't know why I just read our past and made myself cry.
I did know it would make me cry, but still on I read.

I don't know why none of you are talking to me.
I don't know if I did something.
Or didn't do enough.
I never seem to get it right.
I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I'm okay on my own.
I'm not.
I don't know why you don't show the emotion I do.
Why don't you love me like I love you?
Why must I start everything only to end up with nothing.
I have so many questions.
And no answers.

No answers.

Where have they all gone?

Where have all the people gone?
I once was surrounded, but that was a long
time
ago.

The Byronic Hero

As Bronte put it, a man who "is proud,
moody, cynical, with defiance and misery on his brow—usually a secret misery; and is passionate: capable
of strong and deep affection, implacable in revenge."

This reminds me of someone...

*goes to search up cure for Byronic  heroism*

There's no cure. But here's a few examples...
Batman :

 My beloved Mr. Darcy:

 And of course, Edward Cullen:

And...(this one's a reference for you Anne :P)

Forget me Knots

I think.
Then I rethink.
Following, I think about the thought.
Then rethink those.

I have all these reasons and excuses for other people.
But that is the question.
Are the reasons or excuses.
Sure, they are plausable.
But are they real.

To ask or not to ask; that is not the question.
For 'tis nobler of mind simply to know the answer
And do nothing about it.

Stream of Conscience

I am officially advising that one should not drink tea after 8 o'clock at night; it's got more caffeine in it then coffee and so far it's working. I wanted to sleep, ah well.

Today was kind of crappy. Well, I'm in a crappy mood. My morning was fine, I got that ride to school I didn't think I would and thanks to coffee, I may have a caffeine addiction, I had a good first couple of blocks. I'm blaming the coffee crash for the next couple blocks. They dragged on and on and I just wanted to go home and sleep.

So now you understand my state of mind when this boy, whom I liked and was sure liked me not that long ago (twas kind of a big deal, I really liked him) but has since stopped showing and signs and me being me, I have not pursued him, starts acting friendly, a little flirty and I catch him starting at my chest. All I could think was, "Excuse me, no looking at the merchandise if your not willing to buy." Insert head wobble and snap.

Then I go for coffee with my friend who asks me about him in her catch up talk. And I talk way too much about him, seeing as I'm "over him." HAHA AS IF! Apparently, I'm good at fooling myself. Insert head shake. While I'm talking too much, she tells me "you need to get over yourself" I'm a little hurt, until she explains thats "not what she means". She means that I need to not worry about what people think, what people will think of my actions, if I'm good enough and just go for what I want....said boy.

She's right. She's so right.

Then I talked to Anne on the phone :) And of course, we talked about this boy again. My brain is just going "TOO MUCH TOO MUCH" and here I sit, in bed, unable to sleep and thinking about him. I feel stupid, because I'm over him and then when someone brings him up I natter on for ages.

So I'm not over him, I guess.

But looking back is the worst part, which is why I can't sleep. Looking back, I don't see bad, I see him and I sitting together in class, walking home together, messaging, flirting, hanging out alone. Even though neither of us had the balls to say it,  we liked each other. Looking back I see my friends, Ainslie, Mitch, Leona, Anne, Tatum...all wise people...telling me "he likes you." "go for it" "you have a chance"

Mostly I hear Mitch. He was hopelessly smitten with my friend and I sat there saying, sorry, sorry, sorry, she doesn't like you. And he turned to me once, when I was complaining about the earlier mentioned boy and said "at least you have a chance." Wow. Ouch, I mean he had at least expressed how he felt to her, even though he knew she wasn't that into him and I was just sitting on my hands? I then decided to go for it. Unfortunately I didn't see him for two weeks, and when he got back it was like somebody had cut the life line between us. More excuses I suppose.

Really it's my problem. I care way way way too much what people think and I don't trust that people will love me. That I'm good enough. Leona said it today, "most girls don't think they are good enough to be loved" and I think that was my problem. I just couldn't believe that he'd like me, and I didn't want to be rejected so I didn't pursue him. Writing that, I feel like an idiot. How could I think so lowly of myself. Half of me wants to ask him out tomorrow, but I know I won't.

What a major rant. I sound like a silly school girl!
This sounds dark and depressing, and sure I'm not in the greatest mood but I'm okay. I'm making discoveries, about me. That's been happening a lot this year. I've found out the kind of people I like to be around, the one's I can't stand. Believe it or not, I've made some progress in this confidence and trust issue thing and I've stood up for myself too. Now I just wish the caffeine would wear off, I'm tired but my eyes won't shut and I have band tomorrow. Sorry for the blah blah blahs.