I asked you to walk home with me because I miss our friendship, not because "I didn't feel like walking alone". But that's what I told you. I don't want to tell you the truth. The truth is I just can't stop loving you, it doesn't matter what I do or what you do. I just can't stop it. So I'm accepting it and trying to at least get back what we had.
But you're so different. I don't know what happened. Where did my positive, funny, comfortable friend go? I'm not sure but he has been replaced. And I don't like the replacement. He's negative and so awkward around me. What did I do? Again, what changed? And where was I?
So, here I am; in love with the old you and stuck with the new. It's a terrible dilemma. Because the harder I look for the old you, the farther away you go.
What did I do to deserve losing you?
We walked quite a ways sharing our usual quick and continuous conversations. We both get distracted easily and neither of us ever really finish a thought. But we like it, well I like it, and it works. That's the funny thing. I could never talk to the old you. The old you would look at me longingly, hug me, walk with me but never really talk to me. I wished you would. Now I'd give it up just for a minute with the old you. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me...
Then I asked why you were so stressed, in such a bad mood. I wanted to ask more. Ask why you didn't love me anymore, ask if you ever did. Ask why you were never happy. Tell you I care, that I want you to be happy; that you deserve to be happy. I wanted to tell you it was going to be okay, and that I would help you through. I would save you. But I didn't I just asked why you were having a bad day, because it was safe. "That damn French essay." You said. I tried not to laugh. "I know," you said. "You've got three essays, it's nothing in comparison...but I just hate the pressure." I nodded and pretended to be thinking. But really I was looking at your profile. You look so sad, it must be more then that. It must be. That conversation flowed into one about scholarships and then into what you were going to do in September. You're leaving. I won't let it affect me yet, I thought. Then you started talking about the summer. You're not going to be here then either.
We stopped walking. This is where you turn off.
"So, basically...I won't see you after we grad..."
You stumble on that. I can't tell if it's just the awkwardness of what I've said or because you realized it too and it means something to you.
You laugh awkwardly, "...I wouldn't say that..."
Now it's my turn to laugh awkwardly.
I say goodbye and go to turn away. You hover and I think you want to say something more. But you don't.
I keep walking and I want to turn away but I don't, not until it is too late for you to turn around too and see me. I just see your feet going around the corner and I sigh.
What will become of us...what has become of us?
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wow, this is so well written! It's kind of ironic that you can express your feelings so well about how hard it is to express your feelings to him.. but understandable. Where is he going to school, where is he gunna be in the summer? Hopefully once you don't see him anymore you'll stop thinking about him too and find some boy that is less confusing. Do any of his friends notice a difference too?
ReplyDeleteAinslie does. Maybe Donny, I haven't really discussed it with anyone but there have been a few shared looks.
ReplyDeleteI just wish I could let go. But I miss the friendship so much. It's not what it used to be and I'm really sad about the realization that he'll be leaving. The idea of grad saddens me a little anyways and now I'm thinking about never seeing anyone again. It's a sad thought. I will miss him, Joe, Ainslie, Sam, Mitch everybody. It's going to be weird. Ainslie said today that the reason I'm sad is because I love too much. It's true. I let myself get heartbroken very often. Haha. It's a paradoxical exsistance.
Where are they all going???
ReplyDeleteIt'll be sad, but it's okay, you'll get through. It truly is better to love and then be hurt rather than only ever being alone. Maybe the fact that people are leaving hurts you more than others, but that probably means you get the deepest enjoyment out of the time that you had.It all balances out in the end I'd say.
Plus change is weird, you might be sad about it now and forget about it soon-ish and other people might have the opposite affect. You never know.. but it does suck.
on a brighter note, I want to come visit at the end of June!! <3
You are very right :)
ReplyDeleteYes, please come visit!!! :D <3 I want to spend some summer with you!!!!!!!!