I should of known better then to give you my only heart

Yesterday I was feeling insecure about us. I didn't know how you felt but I thought that I was the one bringing all the tension into the relationship. I assumed that I was creating this feeling, because I was insecure.

Today you told me you didn't know how you felt about me. It all became so clear. Why I let myself believe, over and over again, that I am seeing things wrong or imagining your actions I don't know.

Yesterday you wanted to fix everything but you couldn't.

Today I figured out what was wrong inside. Today I fixed everything...except you. I let myself think that I was the problem and that you would be fine and waiting for me when I realized what was wrong. Today you proved me wrong.

Yesterday I was falling in love with you and hoping that you were falling in love with me too. Yesterday  I was scared.

Today I am confused and hurt. My heart is breaking and I am regretting letting myself love you.

I want you to talk to me. I told you that and you said nothing. I am surprised at my reaction to your confusion. You are just a boy who needs time to think. I guess I didn't know how much I loved you until you threatened to leave. I'm reading too much into this. All you asked for was some time to think. But I don't want to let you think; I want to let you talk. Tell me what's happening so that I can have a fighting chance. I have no idea how you feel about me so I have no idea if there's is somebody on my side in your head. I don't even know if you are texting her right now. Why does she get a representative and I do not. Maybe this has nothing to do with her. If it doesn't then I've done something wrong. What did I do wrong? This is why I want to talk to you. How long are you going to make me wait? Are you pretending I do not exist? Are you thinking about me at all? Cause I am certainly thinking about you. If I'd only had an hour with you...

Can I possibly be mad at you when you finally do talk to me if you make me wait? Are we even together right now? Last night I dreamt of another boy he was very nice. I kept thinking of you but I was so mad at you for hurting me. Which is unfair. All you did was ask for space...but maybe you didn't realize how quickly I trust and how quickly I get hurt. I also dreamt that you did text me back. Then I woke up. You hadn't.

Current Shenanigans

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

I'm not sure I love you.

Okay, I do love you.
I'm going to tell you.

I'll wait.
You're not sure about me?
You don't want to hang out?
You're confused?

Answer my text.
Come see me.
Lets talk.
Let me show you how much I love you.
So that you can love me too.

Come back.

Good Intentions

His Intentions were Good.
He saw a problem in the making,
He tried to avoid it.

He made it worse.
His concept of our reaction was way off.
So he lied.
Walked away,
forgot to say,
just where he was going.

We started to wonder
Where did he go?
We called him
"I'm just on a walk" he said
I thought that was weird.
"It's not weird" he said.
"do you want me to come back?" he said

"Yes of course, but tell me,
Why did you leave? Without a word?"
Silence.
He had hung up.
He came back.
Everything was normal.

But we saw through his lie
Always do
He thinks he has to hide
stay taboo

But he's wrong.
He's making it worse.
He looks like an ass,
though his intentions were good.

Time Warp

Everything has gone speeding backwards. You and me are back to where we were weeks ago. This sounds negative as I write it down...but it's a good thing. It's like I'm being given a second chance...now if only I didn't have quite so much homework...

Wait for me while I write essays, please! :D

Uncomfortable Company

I asked you to walk home with me because I miss our friendship, not because "I didn't feel like walking alone". But that's what I told you. I don't want to tell you the truth. The truth is I just can't stop loving you, it doesn't matter what I do or what you do. I just can't stop it. So I'm accepting it and trying to at least get back what we had.

But you're so different. I don't know what happened. Where did my positive, funny, comfortable friend go? I'm not sure but he has been replaced. And I don't like the replacement. He's negative and so awkward around me. What did I do? Again, what changed? And where was I?

So, here I am; in love with the old you and stuck with the new. It's a terrible dilemma. Because the harder I look for the old you, the farther away you go.

What did I do to deserve losing you?

We walked quite a ways sharing our usual quick and continuous conversations. We both get distracted easily and neither of us ever really finish a thought. But we like it, well I like it, and it works. That's the funny thing. I could never talk to the old you. The old you would look at me longingly, hug me, walk with me but never really talk to me. I wished you would. Now I'd give it up just for a minute with the old you. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me...

Then I asked why you were so stressed, in such a bad mood. I wanted to ask more. Ask why you didn't love me anymore, ask if you ever did. Ask why you were never happy. Tell you I care, that I want you to be happy; that you deserve to be happy. I wanted to tell you it was going to be okay, and that I would help you through. I would save you. But I didn't I just asked why you were having a bad day, because it was safe. "That damn French essay." You said. I tried not to laugh. "I know," you said. "You've got three essays, it's nothing in comparison...but I just hate the pressure." I nodded and pretended to be thinking. But really I was looking at your profile. You look so sad, it must be more then that. It must be. That conversation flowed into one about scholarships and then into what you were going to do in September. You're leaving. I won't let it affect me yet, I thought. Then you started talking about the summer. You're not going to be here then either.
We stopped walking. This is where you turn off.

"So, basically...I won't see you after we grad..."
You stumble on that. I can't tell if it's just the awkwardness of what I've said or because you realized it too and it means something to you.
You laugh awkwardly, "...I wouldn't say that..."
Now it's my turn to laugh awkwardly.

I say goodbye and go to turn away. You hover and I think you want to say something more. But you don't.

I keep walking and I want to turn away but I don't, not until it is too late for you to turn around too and see me. I just see your feet going around the corner and I sigh.

What will become of us...what has become of us?

Waaaaaaah.

I am sick.
So sick.
And all I want to do, other then be better, is whine and bitch about it.
I hate being that whiny person but OH. MY. GOD.

I just tried to crawl into bed and get a good nights sleep, and the moment my head hit the pillow I started hacking up both of my lungs. I coughed so hard that I gagged, and I gagged so hard that I think I tore something in the back of my throat. It now hurts to swallow. Hurrah! ...not.

I spent all of Tuesday sweating and then being freezing cold with a head splitting head ache. I had to perform under these circumstances tonight-joyous...I was really looking forward to this show. I will prolly miss school tomorrow which will make for 3 days this week...IT IS SO CLOSE TO GRAD. I CANNOT AFFORD TO MISS SCHOOL. But I also can't really go to school cause I'll probably faint or dye or something.

All I want to do is sleep.
Or cry. Anything that'll get rid of this awful sickness.
I am also really mad at life for doing this.
I could scream!!! Y'know...if it didn't hurt.

Not to mention when I'm not up all night coughing, I am freezing cold. I mean like shivers and teeth chattering cold. I don't get it. All day I sweat from being too warm and then I crawl under 3plus blankets and I start shivering. Damn you sickness.

I really hate being sick.
It's one o'clock in the fucking morning and I have some awful flu and I can't sleep because everytime I lie down I start coughing and it hurts so much.

Wah. I am thoroughly displeased.
Sorry for ranting.

It's funny how quickly one's outlook changes.